Dear Eric: My younger sister is in her sophomore year at university. She just celebrated her one-year anniversary with her boyfriend (same age as her), whom she met in her first week in school.
I love her boyfriend and support their relationship. However, I'm concerned about how quickly they have become emotionally dependent on each other. My sister does not have many close friends, and when she started dating this guy, they latched onto each other quickly.
This has continued all year. They also both have mental health struggles. At one point, my sister was staying with him more often than she was in her dorm for weeks on end. She missed classes to take care of him and even expressed to me that it was weighing on her.
This episode passed, but whenever she has come home to visit, she has been extremely distraught about being away from him to the point where she's had panic attacks. She has a counselor and overall seems to be well. But I am really afraid that this is preventing her from branching out and making other friends/connections. What do I do? -- Concerned Sister
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Dear Sister: Shakespeare once wrote, "The course of true love never did run smooth," but this is also true of less-than-perfect loves.
It's worth mentioning that every love relationship is strengthened by healthy friendships. Hearing it in a non-judgmental way from a person she trusts may help open her eyes. We often need mentors to help us understand how relationships should work.
Most of your focus should be on the ways that aspects of the relationship are impacting her mental well-being. Ask about the panic attacks. Is she discussing them with her counselor? Would it be useful to talk to another mental health professional? Remind her that panic is not a by-product of a healthy relationship and there's help available.
Dear Eric: I just read the letter from "Personal Space," who was trying to distance herself from her deceased husband's sister and the sister's constant texts. I have grappled with a similar situation after my brother died.
One of his close friends (who I didn't know prior to the funeral) calls me maybe once a year or so, wanting to talk. He loves to talk about my brother, bringing up their history and mutual interests, all the way back to their high school days.
This connection and that it continued through the years seemed odd to me, since we never really knew each other well. But recently, I was at the cemetery where my brother and parents are buried and received one of the friend's calls.
I decided right then and there that from now on, when the friend and I talked, I would start writing down his stories about my brother. My children and grandchildren can learn about him, and we can also share those memories as well. My brother didn't have children and I have no other siblings, so these memories will keep his memory alive. -- Attitude Change
Dear Change: I love this reframing. You not only get to deepen a relationship with another person, but you're creating and extending a family legacy. I also think it's important that you recognize a way to acknowledge and tend to your grief. Thank you for sharing this.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected].
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